So everyone I know has like Mantitty Monday or whatever and I feel bad that I’m the only one who doesn’t have like an entire page on my site dedicated to objectifying the less fair sex.  So in deference to the popularity of staring at men for pleasure I have devised this Friday feature.  Men with glasses Friday.  Yes, we can’t all enjoy the same things.

So there he is folks. Patrick Dempsey in glasses. This Friday’s Guy With Glasses.

See I had to qualify this because older songs have wildly WTHery lyrics that we could choose from.  For instance, years ago, when my mother first told me about the lyrics to Mcarthur Park I was certain that she was making that crap up because that is seriously bizarre.

Between the parted pages and were pressed, In love’s hot, fevered iron Like a striped pair of pants. MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark. All the sweet, green icing flowing down… Someone left the cake out in the rain. I don’t think that I can take it. ‘Cause it took so long to bake it And I’ll never have that recipe again. Oh, no!

At any rate, nothing put out now can rival the drug induced madness of those days.  Oh those sweet high songs of yore.  But these will have to do.

1.  Owl City, Fireflies

A foxtrot above my head, a sock hop beneath my bed.  A disco ball is just hanging by a thread.

Just like my sanity.  It must first be noted that these are ten million fireflies, copiously weeping fireflies, doing the dance teaching here.  Because everyone knows that no one teaches a foxtrot better than a bipolar firefly.  I will admit that nothing in this entire song makes a terribly huge amount of sense but these lines are particularly odd.  Later when he says that he likes to believe that planet earth moves slowly I always think that he’s also thinking that whatever he’s taking allows him to see every rotation in color, dude.

2. Pitbull, Hotel Room Service

I’m the plumber tonight, I’ll check your pipes, oh, you the healthy type. Well, here goes some egg whites.

WTH?  I’m the plumber?  Is that supposed to be sexy?  Is there some allusion here that I’m missing?  You’ll check my pipes?  For my egg whites?  Oh, baby, you do have a way with words.  You must have to beat the ladies off of you.  They all want their “pipes checked.”

3.  Lady Gaga, Bad Romance

I want your psycho, your vertical stick.  I want you in my room when your baby is sick.

I know it’s sort of cheating a little to have Lady Gaga on a list like this since basically everything she says and does is incomprehensible but I have her on here more than once.  This one seriously confuses me.  I have absolutely no idea what she could even be alluding to, let alone what she actually means.  I want your psycho?  You want my mother to come over?  Because that’s the only psycho I have.  I can take a guess at the vertical stick, though the term makes me think of the controllers from Atari games.  But the last sentence is the one that really confuses me.  “I want you in my room when your baby is sick.”  Maybe it’s because I actually have a baby, but I think if your baby is sick you should probably be with it, instead of attempting to bump vertical sticks with lady gaga.  And if “your baby is sick” is suggesting some sort of sexual activity I don’t think I want to know what it is.

4.  Black Eyed Peas, Boom Boom Pow

Beats so big I’m steppin’ on leprechauns.

Okay, seriously?  You’re stepping on leprechauns?  Not only is this bizarre but it seems unnecessarily cruel.  What did those little leprechauns do to you?  All they’re trying to do is protect their lucky charms and you get all up in their space and start stepping on people?  Plus, I wasn’t aware that leprechauns figured predominantly in rap subculture.  It’s not something I really expected to hear blaring out of my radio with Fergie of the humps.

5.  Jay Sean (Feat. Lil Wayne), Down

She crawl all over things, I got that girl from overseas.

So many things are wrong with these two sentences I have no freaking idea where to even start.  Why is she crawling all over things and am I the only one getting images of some sort of comic book supervillain or blade vampire climbing all over walls.  Also what does he mean he got that girl from overseas?  What is she, some kind of mail order bride?  Russianwallcrawlers.com, your home for hot chicks who want to climb some American walls.

6.  LMFAO, I’m In Miami Trick

When I step on the scene y’all know me, cause I walk with a limp

First things first, I have a problem taking any band seriously that has a name like LMFAO.  They are standing in line for greatness right behind OMG and AFKBRB.  Also I’m seriously not sure what he means by this.  I’m getting an image of like Quasimodo here and I’m not certain if this is supposed to be pimpin’ or what.  Is it cool now to walk with a limp?  I should have checked on Urban dictionary for any instances of walking like a peg legged pirate being the epitome of coolness.  Also this song wins the award for the most uses of the word ass in a single song.  (16 that I counted, if you’re the number crunching type)  Bravo, LMFAO, bravo.

7.  Flo Rida, Right Round

Lil mama, I owe you just like the flowers.  Girl you drink with all that goodie power

I will admit to knowing what neither of these sentences mean.  I mean, I understand the words, but I don’t understand them together.  I owe you just like the flowers?  What does he owe to flowers?  Is flowers the code name for some mob organization that lends money to indigent rappers?  Or does he just love the smell of the roses so much that he feels he owes them something for the privilege of inhaling their luscious scents?  I also have no idea what goodie power is or how one drinks with it.  And not only does she drink with goodie power, she drinks with all of it.  Either this is a woman who kicks back the liquor fueled by the power of the enormous number of Twinkies she inhales or I have no idea what this means.  Frankly, I’m going with option two.  Though the idea of having super powers fueled by Twinkies kind of rocks.

8.  Lady Gaga, Just Dance

Spend the lasto, in you pocko

I will admit to initially being attracted to this line because I always thought she was saying “You molesto my Paco.”  Which also doesn’t make a lot of sense but certainly amuses me.  Like my friend, coworker, husband, butler, Paco, is getting madly molested by Lady Gaga and a disco stick while he tries to run for his life.  But in reality this is still stupid.  Like she just stuck O on the end so that they rhyme with each other.  The way that stupid people add an O to the end of words in an attempt to make people who speak Spanish understand you.

9.  Party in the USA, Miley Cyrus

I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan.

This is another song where I confess that I misunderstood the words and found the song better for it.  I always thought that she was saying she hopped off the plane with a dream IN her cardigan, which is where I keep all my dreams.  Also my twinkies.  Some might say this is cheating since every MC song is somewhat inexplicable by the very nature of it being on the radio and popular.  Sort of like the same phenominon that drives Twilight.  But I say look deeper and this song is inexplicable on other, deeper, levels too.  If I’m going to fly into LA I’m going to take more than a dream and a sweater.  What if it isn’t cold?  Aren’t you going to wish you’d at least packed a dream, a cardigan and like a bathing suit or something?  And why didn’t her parents pack better for her?  I mean she is like twelve.  Seriously, the flight attendant will be helping her fasten her seatbelt and asking her if she’d like to see the cockpit.  Also this song sounds as though she’s saying she flies into LA, terribly nervous and strung out, dances around for awhile and then goes home.  WTH?  Why was she nervous at all?  Dance anxiety?  Maybe she was afraid that she would lose her cardigan.

10.  Enur (Feat. Natasja), Calabria

Make me wobble, make my whole body bubble.

Okay, I’m sure that he means something romantic, or at the very least sexy, by this.  But when someone makes my whole body bubble it’s probably because they’ve given me hives or some kind of exotic STD.   Either way someone causing your body to bubble is probably never a good thing.  Second degree burns are another option that might cause bubbling.  Either way, not something we want.

11.  Meatloaf, I’ll Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)

And I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that, I won’t do that
Anything for love, oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that, oh I won’t do that

This isn’t too recent a song but since it came while I was an adult I’m going to go ahead and pretend I’m not too old and qualify this as recent.  It’s more recent than McArthur Park anyway.  Aside from this video being full of fat old dude riding around on a motorcycle awesomeness, this song doesn’t have much going for it.  It’s repetitive, not particularly romantic and it makes little sense.  I’ll do anything for love.  Except for that one thing.  And you’re lucky I didn’t slap you for bringing it up.   This is about the butt secks isn’t it?

12.  Gavin Degraw, I’m in Love With a Girl

But you found inner peace for the moment, The moment was over in time, Then its gone the hit and run the dipless one has a short life

As opposed to in love with the boy which is Clay Aiken’s most recent single.  I will admit to never understanding this line and going to the lyrics site looking for clarity.  Which I, sadly, did not find.  The dipless one has a short life?  WTH does that mean?  I mean, seriously.  First of all, what is a dipless one?  Like the little dipping sticks that my children leave when they get that pixie powder crap with those nasty white candy sticks.  They dump out and eat all the powder and ignore the sticks.  So either the song writers have wormed their way into the psyche of my children or this means something I don’t understand.  Why is this particular one dipless and why does being dipless lead to a short life?  It’s still a mystery.

13.  The Ting Tings, Shut Up and Let Me Go

Your jeans were once so clean, I bet you changed your wardrobe since we met.

I’m just not sure whether they are being literal here or not.  Does she want him to shut up and shove off because of his dirty pants?  Is this suggestive of something else and I’m just not deep enough to get it?  And if he changed his wardrobe since they met how dirty can his jeans be?  Did he buy a new wardrobe composed entirely of thrift store jeans?  I’m confused.  And if she’s being literal just how dirty do ones jeans have to get to be given the brush off by a group of people who sings a song about all the names that are not their name?  I bet they’d have to be pretty dirty.  I think this guy may qualify as the sort of person who would make my whole body bubble.

AJ